Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
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Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
cyclists
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?