I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
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I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers