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When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
channeling her this year
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me