[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
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[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
“We will wed,” I threatened
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.