Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
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My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
I’m confused about plants
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no