Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
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friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
bury ourselves
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.