My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
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Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.