Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
You Might Also Like
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now