Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
You Might Also Like
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on