Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
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BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Flock of bats
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
one last job
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”