I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
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If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”