I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
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Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
This sounds bad:
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading