Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
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Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!