I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
You Might Also Like
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Baking is just science you can eat.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.