A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
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Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
What’s this sorcery? 😂
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.