I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
You Might Also Like
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
I never needed anything more in my life
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf