Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
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“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
black phone good
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Finally!
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down