This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
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Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.