Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
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It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.