Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
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Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home