@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
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I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy