Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
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[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
😂💯
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids