Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
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I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!