The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
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After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.