pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
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Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry