You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
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COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.