CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
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I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why