I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
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If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
britain’s three elite institutions
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.