[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
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my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*