Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
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A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?