so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
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*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
😅🤣😂
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Goodnight 🐶
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.