My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
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A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
What if the weather talks about us?
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer