Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
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The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.