Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
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I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?