Who called it baking and not making love
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6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Okey dokey.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉