Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
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Added some new forms of payment to this store…
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Well, that didn’t work.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.