So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
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[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
no one ever comes back
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.