Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
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Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.