As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
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Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
crochet youtube is brutal
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Sorry I made promises on Friday
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently