Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
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interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar