I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
You Might Also Like
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Cha-ching is my safe word
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Holy crap this is wonderful
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there