*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
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[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.