My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
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I feel it
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Very good! 👍😂
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby