me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
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No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Peace was never an option
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Woke up against my better judgment again
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings