One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
You Might Also Like
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not