Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
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“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!