Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
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The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.