Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
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Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
dogs can find happiness so easily