Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
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Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
no cat here
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.