Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
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Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Cndnsd Mlk
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.